blog.bioethics.net

The New Living Will Form

I'm thinking that Bill Allen's proposal for a living will is maybe a good idea for me, you and everybody else with fear of the Bush administration a sense of humor.

I received this today from a member of our hospital staff with whom i have not spoken about my idea the other day.

Florida - Living Will

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind

and body, unequivocally declare that in the event of a catastrophic injury,

I do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

I hereby instruct my loved ones and relatives to remove all

life-support systems, once it has been determined that my brain is longer

functioning in a cognizant realm.

However, that judgment should be made only after thorough consultation

with medical experts; i.e., individuals who actually have been trained,

educated and certified as doctors.

Under no circumstances -- and I can't state this too strongly -- should

my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass

ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

Furthermore, it is my firm hope that, when the time comes, any

discussion about terminating my medical treatment should remain private and confidential.

Living in Florida, however, I am acutely aware that the legislative and

executive branches of state government are fond of meddling in family

matters, and have little concern for the privacy and dignity of

individuals.

Therefore, I wish to make my views on this subject as clear and

unambiguous as possible. Recognizing that some politicians seem

cerebrally challenged themselves (and with no medical excuse), I'll try to keep this simple and to the point:

1. While remaining sensitive to the feelings of loved ones who might

cling to hope for my recovery, let me state that if a reasonable amount of

time passes -- say, ____ (fill in the blank) months -- and I fail to sit sit

up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get

better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse,

children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes

and call it a day.

2. Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a

special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that

these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Floridians who aren't

in a permanent coma.

3. Under no circumstances shall the governor of Florida butt into this

case and order my doctors to put a feeding tube down my throat. I don't

care how many fundamentalist votes he's trying to scrounge for his

brother in 2004, it is my wish that he plays politics with someone else's life

and leaves me to die in peace.

4. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to

legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these

people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade

on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

5. It is my heartfelt wish to expire quietly and without a public

spectacle. This is obviously impossible once elected officials become

involved. So, while recognizing the wrenching emotions that attend the prolonged death of a loved one, I hereby instruct my relatives to settle all

disagreements about my care in private or in the courts, as provided by

law.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a

political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make

his or her existence a living ____ (fill in the blank)